Repeating the Same Fights: What’s Really Going On Beneath the Surface
Have you ever noticed that no matter how different the topic seems—money, chores, intimacy, or family—you and your partner keep ending up in the same fight? It’s frustrating, confusing, and often leaves both people feeling unheard. From a psychodynamic perspective, these recurring arguments aren’t just about the surface issue. They often point to something deeper happening inside.
🚩 Why Do the Same Fights Repeat?
Relationships are emotional mirrors. The way we argue, withdraw, or shut down often has less to do with our partner and more to do with our own unconscious patterns. When conflicts repeat, it’s usually because the underlying wound or need isn’t being recognized or expressed.
🪞 Projection: Seeing Our Own Feelings in the Other
One of the most common processes at play is projection. We unconsciously place feelings we can’t tolerate in ourselves onto our partner. For example:
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A man who feels insecure may accuse his partner of being overly critical.
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A man who struggles with anger may describe his partner as “always angry.”
Projection allows us to avoid uncomfortable emotions, but it also distorts how we see the other person, fueling conflict.
🔥 Triggers: Old Wounds, New Arguments
Arguments often activate old, unresolved experiences—sometimes from childhood or past relationships. A partner’s sigh, a tone of voice, or a perceived rejection may trigger feelings of being abandoned, criticized, or not good enough. These moments feel bigger than they are because they connect to emotional memories that still carry weight.
⚔️ Unresolved Conflict: Fighting About the Past in the Present
When the same fights keep happening, it’s usually not because couples can’t agree about dishes or schedules. It’s because deeper needs—like the need to feel safe, respected, or loved—remain unspoken and unmet. Unresolved conflicts within ourselves often become unresolved conflicts with our partners.
🧩 How Psychodynamic Therapy Helps
Psychodynamic psychotherapy helps men uncover the “why” behind these repeating patterns. In therapy, you begin to:
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Recognize your projections and take ownership of your feelings.
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Understand the triggers that pull you back into old emotional battles.
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Work through unresolved conflicts so they don’t keep replaying in your relationship.
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Develop the emotional awareness and language needed to fight less and connect more.
✅ Takeaway
Repeating fights are rarely about what they seem. They’re signals pointing toward deeper emotions that need attention. When men begin to explore what’s beneath the surface—rather than just reacting—they often find that relationships become less about conflict and more about connection.
References
Freud, S. (1911). Psycho-Analytic Notes on an Autobiographical Account of a Case of Paranoia (Dementia Paranoides). Standard Edition, 12, 9–82.
Klein, M. (1946). Notes on Some Schizoid Mechanisms. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 27, 99–110.
Kernberg, O. (1984). Severe Personality Disorders: Psychotherapeutic Strategies. Yale University Press.
Mitchell, S. A., & Black, M. J. (1995). Freud and Beyond: A History of Modern Psychoanalytic Thought. Basic Books.
Westen, D. (1998). The scientific legacy of Sigmund Freud: Toward a psychodynamically informed psychological science. Psychological Bulletin, 124(3), 333–371.
Fonagy, P., Gergely, G., Jurist, E. L., & Target, M. (2002). Affect Regulation, Mentalization, and the Development of the Self. Other Press.
Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Routledge.
